Psychology

How to forgive that friend that you can't forgive (because who else hurts the situation is you)

You may be one of those lucky people who has never had a fight with any of her friends and this all sounds very far away. But, if like me, have you ever had an important fight with a friend, you will know that sometimes forgiving is not easy. However, almost as difficult as forgiving is overcoming the fact of not forgiving.

The logical thing, if the anger is so serious as not to be able to fix it, is that we decide to move away from that person and forget. The reality is, however, that it's not always that easy. Sometimes, we don't feel we should forgive, but the prospect of never having a relationship with that person hurts us too much.

Why forgive

We must ask ourselves what compensates us the most. In some cases the people we want are different from usThey make different decisions and give importance to things other than those that matter to us. It is possible that your natural way of thinking or acting may sometimes collide with ours and affect us. Therefore, when the time comes we will have to decide whether that relationship continues to contribute or not.

We will have to evaluate if what brings us positive that person is more important that what bothers us or we do not understand. Once this is evaluated, we can continue with that friendship knowing that sometimes things that bother us will happen, and that we can let them pass because it compensates us, or get away from that person because we are no longer compatible.

Be that as it may, we will not be able to make this decision, nor be objective, if we have not been able to forgive before. Therefore, in order to be objective and not make a rash decision, little thought and from the heat of anger, we must try to forgive. In this way we will know that we decide what we decide will be final and we will no longer be hurting ourselves.

How to forgive

Analyze the damage they have done to us

The first step is accept that we are angry and why we are angry. Assume that whatever has happened has hurt us. Once that pain is accepted, we can place ourselves in a place of objectivity, which will allow us to also analyze the motivation of the other person.

We will can evaluate the reasons that have led the other person to harm us: These reasons can be very varied and do not necessarily imply that the other person is evil and wants to harm us - although it may be and the last decision is in our hands -. In this way we will be able to analyze the whole situation from the outside and get a more objective view of the problem.

Accept our negative feelings

That we are going to forgive does not mean that we are not angry or hurt. The most possible is that anger leads us to feel desires of revenge, anger or rage. The problem is not that we have them, which is completely natural, but what we do with them. One of the things they teach us since childhood is to swallow our negative feelings and not verbalize them, as if they did not exist.

The reality is that negative feelings are as valid a part of our emotions as positive ones. And as with them, what matters is what we do with them and that we channel them in an adaptive way. We must allow ourselves to feel all those emotions, accept them and still remember that it is better for us to end up letting those feelings go and free ourselves. Here comes forgiveness.

Choose to forgive

Forgiveness can be a conscious choice for each of us. Some people believe that forgiveness is weak, but nothing is further from reality. Take the choice to forgive supposed to have power over our feelings and emotions instead of leaving them in the hands of another person - the one who offended us. In addition, not forgiving keeps us in the situation of suffering that binds us to the person who has harmed us.

Value what is best for us

Forgiving does not mean stop protecting ourselves. If after analyzing everything that has happened, the reasons why the person has harmed us, the reasons why we have felt hurt, what the person gives us or takes away from us and what he gives us and removes us from being angry, We believe that the same thing will happen again and that it will continue to hurt us, we must protect ourselves.

Sometimes, after analyzing the situation, we will conclude that we care more about what friendship brings us and we can live with the things that affect us from the other person without feeling so hurt. In other cases, we know that it will continue to harm us and we will not be able to avoid it, because we are who we are. In these cases, even if we forgive, we must make the decision that protects ourselves.

Sometimes that decision will continue to maintain the relationship completely, others continue to maintain it but avoid or monitor the situations that damaged us and, in other cases, the best option will be get away completely of the person.

Communicate to the person with whom we are angry

When forgiving it is not enough for us to know, but it is necessary to inform the person involved. It is important that we verbalize that we were angry, why we were, how we feel about what happened, report that we have forgiven and let us know the final decision we have made, whatever.

In this sense, if we have come to the conclusion that although there are things that bother us, we care more about having that person in our lives, we will tell you. If we want to keep having it in our life, but there are things and situations that we prefer to avoid - For our sake - we will let you know. If, on the contrary, we have forgiven them, but we feel that it is better for us to keep the distance because it will continue to harm us, we must also inform it.

In this way, let's make the decision we make, we will know that we have analyzed everything well, that we have made the best decision for ourselves and that we have been sincere both with us and with the other person. This will give us the peace of mind of having done everything in our power and it will give us a feeling of closure preventing us from continuing to feel pain.

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